MARIO Liturgy (Part 1)

There is a reason why the lowly plumber Mario is worshipped among the peoples of the world. There is true worth to be found in his blue or red overalls and high-pitched Italian meatball accent. The people of the world have stood united with Mario, ever since they partook of the joy that was the "Beowulf" of gaming, Mario's primordial battle against Donkey Kong. In this legendary quest, the lowly plumber had yet to gain repute, even forgoing a name of any kind. An anonymous fighter for good was he, like many heroes of legend before him. Not until he achieved his first masterwork, the rescue of Princess Toadstool from the clutches of the infamous Donkey Kong, was he greeted as the hero Mario we have all come to know, love, and worship.

Since every hero needs a quest, Mario engaged in his definitive endeavour, alongside his benign, yet sly brother Luigi. Every Don Quixote needs a Sancho Panza and so did Mario. Many war songs have been written and sung about the myth entitled Super Mario Bros. Having defeated the strong, yet stupid Donkey Kong, Mario is enlisted to again rescue the fair Princess (a not-so-sly stand-in for us, the sinful human race) but this time it is none other than the hell spawn Bowser, depicted in the old tales as a cross between a giant tortoise, a fire-breathing dragon, and a petty overbearing tyrant, that challenges our Italian God. In this world, Mario was to put his near-mythic plumbing skills to good use, as travel between the surface world and the nether regions of the kingdom was achieved through large green pipes. Many dangerous and evil creatures stood in his way, but in the end, he managed to persevere and rescue the Princess/Us from our enslavement to the demon Bowser.

One of the many laudatory exclamations made around the world about Mario is about his stubborn perseverance. Not only did he fight and defeat Bowser after surviving the hellish world Bowser created, but he WENT BACK TWO MORE TIMES! Mario loves us and will always watch over us. This coincides with the famous Law of Threes, found in all the world's religious literature.

In the next installment we will explore Lord Mario's foray into the dangerous and reckless world of go-kart racing, in which he suffered for our sins and assured us a place at his right hand, when the time for our Ascendancy doth come. Let us pray,

Hail Mario, full of grace
Sprays fireballs all over the place
Thou art the Lord and thou art with me
Blessed art thou amongst plumbers
and blessed is the fruit of your loins
Baby Mario.
Holy Mario, Lord of All Things,
pray for us sinners now,
and watch over us in death
for Bowser doth await those
who suffer away from your plumber love.